Parody on " What a friend we have in Jesus "

Parody on " What a friend we have in Jesus " 

[ arendientje youtube channel does a southern gospel version ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2jJPpgb_PM&list=PL409ACE1302BD5E48

What a friend we have in Loftus

All our Bible fears allayed
giving truths based on science & reason
to those who the church betrayed

Oh what peace we often forfeit
oh what needless worries we bare
for those who have not studied debunkingchristianity
and his books advertised there

Are you weak and heavy laden
with a load of christianity
why not do yourself a favour, 

jettison it's negativity
well maybe it has few good bits
but its mostly fictional crap
by studying the books of  John W. Loftus
You may stick a feather of reason in your cap
alternative [ adjust the balance of thinking under your cap ]

No. 74 Mark 15v34. "At the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "My God, why have you forsaken me?"

ReWrit v35 When some freethinkers in the crowd heard this, they said, "Maybe it is just that God has a vastly understaffed call centre, but you spent last night trying to get through at an off peak time so it seems more likely that it is because there is no God or supernatural realm"

And Jesus wept, "Do you mean I am going to die for nothing?"

The freethinkers replied,"Well to us it looks like it. There is no evidence that you have been in contact with a source of advanced knowledge. Let's face it, what sort of useful information have you ever received in your imagined chats with God? You claim God is your all knowing heavenly Father but it looks to have been a very dysfunctional relationship. There is no sign that God has shared much information with you. Perhaps you just immediately forget it or keep it to yourself ? However you also claimed you were One with the Father so where is your excuse for not knowing all He knows ?
We have a secret source of future knowledge and we can say with some certainty that your imagined God never even told you the facts of life on Earth e.g that the Earth is a sphere orbiting the Sun, that life on Earth started 4 billion years ago and evolved by natural selection, that micro organisms are a major cause if illness, that nutrient deficiency is another cause of poor health, or that one day man will walk on the moon, fly in the sky and dive to the deepest regions of the oceans. That in the latter five hundred years of the next two millennia there will be such advances in science and technology that if you witnessed it would make you think that either you were totally forsaken and left in the dark by your God or that you had been completely mistaken about such a God existing. We think you should have payed more attention to Pilate's words, 'What is truth ?' Maybe if you had considered an outsiders perspective on your ideas you would have reconsidered them ?

Then Jesus cried out," Forgive me I knew not what I was doing" and with that breathed his last.

And the freethinkers shook their heads sorrowfully over another wasted life. One sighed, pity he never had the chance to drive a quad bike on water"

On a theme of " The Needletoe Letters " by Robert M. Price

C.S.Lewis died on the same day as John F. Kennedy and Aldous Huxley, 22 November 1963. To mark the event BBC radio 4 has readings from " The Screwtape letters " . They can also be heard on Youtube narrated by John Cleese. There is mention of materialist world view and skepticism in the letters so people might investigate those ideas on wikipedia & also check out atheism since Lewis was interested in that in his early adulthood.

In my opinion Lewis', " Screw You letters " demonstrates that the scripts of devilish speech by Bible authors were likely little more than what Lewis was attempting- fiction & mind games. 

I think there is no supernatural realm but what would a line manager devil ( Bishop ) say to an operational grade devil ( priest ) now adays ?

ScrewYou : My dear TapeWorm. It has come to my attention that we have a serious problem on the horizon, by the name of John Loftus. As you well know our bread & butter stems from misery & woe among humans and we have a rich seam of grief from the fear that people have of us lurking nearby ready to pounce on them. We have been able to monetize that for centuries. It was one of our greatest achievements getting the existence of hell and devils written as fact in the Bible, billions have come running to us begging us to help save them and issue reassurances for a very modest fee. Quite a stroke of twisted double think, even if I do say so myself, telling them devils were very real yet at the same time that the patients would probably be protected [ if they remained in the love of Christ, whatever that means ] 

Sadly I now fear the influence of those ideas is being eroded by the writings of said John Loftus. He is going around giving a myriad of reasons to think there is no supernatural realm, neither God nor Satan. He is allaying fears about hell. This will never do. 

What ever happens put your patients off surfing the web, make them afraid they will be hacked, phished or something. Then you must whip up the tried and tested fears of hell again, focus their attention on it,  try to make them so afraid of hell that they will not begin to explore atheism, the more paranoid and closed off they are to new ideas the better. And for God's sake don't let them get a hint of debunkingchristianity. I see that " The Screwtape letters " will be on BBC Radio 4 , this could be helpful to us in stoking the fear of the devil & the abominable human biblegod but just don't let the producer allow mention of " The Needletoe letters " by Robert M. Price.

We really must redouble our efforts to draw people down into our insidious vortex of delusion. Try to muddle their thinking about the fact of evolution and so distract them & use up their spare time that they never get round to serious study of science & history. The pseudo history of the Bible should be a good dummy tit for this. Our very livelihood depends on it.

---------------------------------------------------------

At the end of " The Screwtape letters " I think that Lewis scores an own goal because he has Screwtape echoing the ideas of the apologist preacher who makes it sound certain that people can simply sign up to be a christian by saying the sinners prayer be guaranteed to go to heaven, where as the Bible is much less clear about what it takes to get to heaven. The way the Bible talks about God being the one who chooses, then who could know they were a chosen one ? What must you truly believe exactly ? How would you know what was going to happen at the judgement day ? What if you hadn't given all your money to the poor, what if you had remarried, what if you hadn't been more faithful than the pharisees in keeping the law ? 
   Wouldn't a real devil say on the death of Wormwood's " christian " patient , well never mind because odds on that he will be a reject for falling short of the small print and Christ will say " Get away from me,  I never knew you " or " Tough, I never chose you " .


The interesting question being that if Screwtape could be so black and white & straightforward about someone signing up to Christianity going directly to heaven then how come there is so much uncertainty and so many provisos in the Bible ? Wouldn't it have been more in keeping with the Satanic realm that Jesus had made heaven the default position but that Satan muddled the Bible texts making it appear as an almost impenetrably complex maze to win through ?

------------------------------------------------------

Stephen Law has written a parody of the screwtape letters in his book " Believing bullshit " called " The Tapescrew letters ". It can be read on his website
B.F.Moloney has written an atheist parody, " Screwtape lost and found- Charity's variety of sins "

The death of Jesus in the manner of the Black knight from Monty Python

ReWrit John 19v32
The death of Jesus,
 in the manner of the Black knight from Monty Python's, " Holy Grail "
Because the Jews wanted the men on the crosses to be dead before the Sabbath they asked Pilate to hurry it up a bit. So Pilate gave the nod to the soldiers and one went with a bardiche and mocked  Jesus, " You saved others, save yourself "
" None shall pass the bridge to life unless they pass by me ", said Jesus
And the soldier chopped off  Jesus right leg.
" Oh, that was rather sore, but only a flesh wound " said Jesus, very reservedly, " that was below the belt but I forgive you "
Then another soldier struck off Jesus left leg with a halberd.
 " How excruciatingly painful " exclaimed Jesus politely as he hung from only his arms and found it a wee bit more difficult to breathe
Then another soldier struck off Jesus head with a pollaxe and it fell to the ground
 " How awfully painful ", shrieked Jesus, " but I am invincible, I will pray for you, have you no conscience ? "
" I thought cutting your head off would put you out of your misery " said the soldier apologetically, " I am sore amazed that you are still alive, truly you are a son of God "
And Jesus replied, very serenely, " You know not what you do. Just wait, for in nearly 2.25 days time you will see me all joined back together in my resurrection body before I disappear back to the 7th dimensional universe to be with the living  God "
And all who listened thought, either we are hallucinating or this is evidence of a supernatural realm, for talking heads are outwith our usual experience of life.

So many people really are that dim, therefore God exists.

Too many people really are that dim, therefore God exists.

Was Jesus as thick as the two short planks he was nailed to ?

Just kidding !

  

Knock knock

Who's there ?

Nobody

Nobody who ?

No body cause Jesus was a fictional character ?

#################

REWRIT

Luke 24v2 They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 

Then Mary the mother of James said to Mary Magdalene, " Was Jesus really real or did we just imagine him ? "

 And Mary replied, "How contrary ! What are you saying?  You think that Jesus was just a literary character or a device used by a priest to control us ? That we just trusted the priests & our parents unduly on this? "

 Mary, " Pinch me to make sure I am  not dreaming " 

Mary, " I didn't feel a thing when you pinched me, What if we are not real either ? "

 Mary, " How perfectly dreadful, then who would look after our families ? "

Mary, " But if we are not real maybe they are not real either, where is this all going to end, who is real in this story ? If we are not real how can we speak to each other ? "

Then out of the fog a figure appeared.

Mary, " Sir who are you "

Figure, " It is I, Pontius Pilatus and who pray tell are you ? "

Mary, " I am Mary the mother or James, follower of Christ, what have you done with his body ? "

Pontius Pilate, " I know not who you speak of "

Mary, " But you sentenced Jesus to death on the cross barely a couple of days ago "

Pontius Pilate, " I know nothing of this. I delegate crucifictions to others. Now I am busy so must wash my hands of this matter "

PARODY ON " IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR "

 

It's the most nightmarish time of the year
If you are a turkey
 then unless you are lucky
You'll be dead I fear
It's the most nightmarish time of the year

 

It's the most miserable time of the year
If you haven't got money
And your tummy is rumbly
Then for you I fear
It's could be the most depressing time of the year

 

It's the most lucrative time of the year
If you sell Christmas cards,
mistletoe or holly
Then for you I fear
It could be the only lucrative time of the year

It's the most wonderful time of the year
If you're into skiing
and the snow is falling
and if a ski slope is near
 it may be the most wonderful time of the year

PARODY ON ' SEE THEM LYING ON A BED OF PAPER '

PARODY ON CALYPSO CAROL;  ' SEE HIM LYING IN A BED OF STRAW '

See him lying on a bed of straw
Wondering if Joseph really was his da
Or if his mother just had a fling ?
With a free spirit who came fucking ?

Which bits are fiction and which bits real ?
Do priests have much, to conceal ?
A literary creation, like a script ?
Incorporating ideas from Egyptian crypt ?

[ If you are not sure of the words in church just stick with " lie ". Quite important to get the accent in the right place ]

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
Lie lie lie lie lie lie truth ( things are seldom black and white )

See them lying on a pad of paper
Inventing stories of a holy caper
making folk worry about when they die
making a living out of a bloody lie

----------------------------------------------------------

PARODY ON ' PRAISE MY SOUL THE KING OF HEAVEN '  tune by John Goss

Praise my tongue the king of heaven

If he's not like the Bible paints

Praise him if we're strictly mortal

And no hell for anyone awaits

Praise him, criticize him, Praise him, criticise him ?

If the Bible is errant

Praise him if he has an excuse

For not doing the good  he should

Maybe he's ill or away on holiday ?

Or maybe he has simply passed away ?

Praise him, cristicise him, Praise him, criticize him ?

If Jesus has been misquoted

Is it fact or is it fiction ?

Or a mixture in between?

Is it real or is it unreal

Is there no supernatural realm ?

Can we know ? Were is the evidence ?

Could it be  we are alone ?

Praise my tongue the king of heaven
Though I doubt that he exists
and I hope the bible's fiction
and wonder how it still persists
criticize him, criticize him, criticize him, criticize him
criticism is what he is worthy of

Criticize my tongue the God of the Bible
if he'd let men rot in hell
criticize him if he has the power
but would let us suffer on earth as well
mock him, mock him , mock him, mock him
mock the image that men call God


-------------------------------------------------------------------

PARODY ON " THE DAY THOU GAVEST LORD HAS ENDED "

The life thou gavest lord has ended
another slips down the chute to hell
I wonder lord if you ever worry
that you will end up there as well

To have the power to avoid it
yet let us rot is sort of  sin
and if with love you'd analyse it
the doctrine of hell you'd chuck in the bin

Crucifiction 2. JESUS CHRIST UNCENSORED

How would anyone know that the words of Jesus weren't censored ?

JESUS UNCENSORED, CRUCIFICTION 2

The cut ofF bits of the Bible you never realized you wanted to read about &

The verses of the gospels which were deliberately lost; bowdlerized :

Matt 27v39 : Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, " You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in 3 days,save yourself ! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God " 

At that moment Jesus temper snapped from top to bottom, his patience torn in two

Jesus: " Fuckin hell bitches, You good for nothing humanity. One more word from any one of you and I will bloody well will come down and smash your wretched faces in. Pieces of shit, I'll get you back for this, just you wait. You'll regret this, know nothing scum bags. To think I'm dying for you and all you can do is mock, ungrateful, damn you "

Matt 27v41 But the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him, " He saved others but he can't  save himself "

At that moment Jesus did a Thor 2, the incredible hulk in him was awakened and he ripped his hands off the nails, breaking the ropes, bent over and pulled the nails out of his feet with his bare hands. Then jumped to the ground. He wrenched the cross out of the ground and slung it around wiping out 250 people who stood nearby, including several Roman soldiers. He seized their swords and with one in each hand ran a muck through the crowds slaughtering them indiscriminately.

   Then there were flashes of lightning and rumbles of thunder, the tombs split open and those who came forth grabbed the swords and daggers of the fallen and continued the massacre of all present.. Then Jesus signalled the living dead to pick up his cross and follow him. They flew up in the air and together charged upon the temple & swinging the cross, which seemed indestructible, knocked the Temple to pieces. Each piece seemed to turn to dust at it was hit for six. ( This explains how there is so little evidence of the temple )

Jesus did many other things, and are they not recorded in the other inspired lost gospels

Sanitized

One tactic we might have expected to see used by the Bible devil is to have people coming up to Jesus and say there is no supernatural realm, no God, no demons.
Then Jesus could say they were speaking the devil's wily tricks
Acts 17v32 comes close, " When the Epicureans and Stoics heard about the resurrection of the dead, some of them sneered " 
It could have continued, " some of them sneered it looks to us that there is no supernatural realm, no god, no afterlife, we see no evidence for it. We think you are making stuff up. We follow the atomist philosophy. If God is all powerful then how does he allow so much suffering etc?" 
I wonder if an early copy of Acts 17v32 mention the possibility that there is no supernatural realm and then a priest later censored the sentence because he wanted to keep people in the dark & not give too much food for thought. Maybe the original author self censored. Even though he was well aware of people saying there were no gods he cut back that idea.
Did the Bible writers & editors know more about the spectrum of ideas in the world than they let on or were they genuinely ignorant ?
When you think of all the things the Bibledevil could have said to undermine the credibility of Jesus or existence of BibleGod, but didn't, then you have to wonder if the authors censored it out or was the Bibledevil really that stupid & feeble ? Bible Satan was actually Jesus cheerleader & team mate who seconded the idea that God & a supernatural realm existed.

The latest testament of Christ

THE LAST TESTAMENT OF CHRIST: In which John Loftus appears as the devil's advocate and makes Satan look like he was on L plates

Luke 4v2 And Jesus, full of the bullshit of the priests who wrote for him,  was led out into the desert where for 40 days he was tested by John L.

John L: Prove to us that you are not just mostly a fictional, literary creation.

Jesus: Prove that I am not fictional, if you get it wrong you will burn in hell for ever.

John L. If you have real contact with a cosmic God then tell us, does the Sun revolve round the Earth or the Earth orbit round the Sun

Jesus: I tell you the truth, red sky at night shepherds delight, therefore God exists

John L:  If you are the Son of God then carve on a flat sandstone block an exact representation of the far side of the moon.

Jesus:That is not fair, I am a carpenter not a stone mason, but in any case it probably looks similar to what you see 

John L:  Tell us if men will ever walk on the moon, will there be air there for them to breathe ? 

Jesus: I tell you the truth. 3 Men shall travel to the moon in the Apollo 11 spacecraft carried by a rocket called Saturn V. The rocket will look like a massive temple column with flames coming out the bottom. The 2 men who land on the moon will have a suit filled with oxygen from Earth 

John L: If you are a real supernatural entity and not just telling us things by the power of a 21st century speech writer then fly up to the moon right now and leave massive tablets of stone in the Sea of Tranquility with your name on so that the Apollo 11 men will find them and be sore amazed 

Jesus: John 20v29 Blessed are those who have not seen such things yet have believed

-------------

John 19, The death of Jesus

Now although it was usual to leave the bodies on the cross for vultures & carrion crows to peck at, the Roman soldiers had been so impressed by Jesus peaceful death that they made an exception and  took down the cross and found a claw hammer from somewhere to prize the nails out. " Phew " said one soldier, " I'm glad we don't usually bother with this, it is quite an effort to get these nails out."  But another said, " Wasn't it amazing how composed he was while on the cross, almost like he was detached from the experience. "

Then as they stood back from Jesus body they were sore alarmed to note how it seemed to age rapidly until almost at once it looked like that of an old man, bearing a resemblance to Eusebius or was it Clement of Alexandria ?

Who is the twister ?

The Bible actually has an interesting idea about Satan twisting the words of the Bible or using interpretations which were not intended. It is quite often in life that the arguments which are nearly correct or a mix of fact and fantasy which catch people out the most effectively. For instance if you were trying to assess whether a project would be successful or not, you might conclude yes a goer and invest but it might fail due to some unforeseen bits of information. Or maybe people focus on one aspect of the argument but lose sight of the big picture or fail to investigate other important aspects.

If twisted ideas are defined as the handy work of Satan then maybe most of the Bible is Satan's work ? It was certainly twisted genius which welded the few good ideas in the Bible onto the back of eternal concentration camp for the majority. 
The brackish Bible crucifies humanity, tempts them in with some nice words about showing loving attitude to your neighbour and enemy & forgiveness, overlooking a multitude of sins etc but it is a pitcher plant to trap and digest you like a fly in its caustic hellish juices.

Matthew 6v6 
Jesus: When you pray go to your room and lock yourself away where no one else will see
Satan: Don't bother praying, there is no supernatural realm to hear you. Even I am just some geezer clicking away on a computer keyboard in cyber space. It would be better for your mental health to get out more, take part in sport or travel, do something creative. On the other hand it could help to think through what would be the caring, helpful, humorous, clever thing to say in each situation.

Luke 4v5 And John Loftus led the Christians up to a high place to show them world history

The trouble with the Satan character in the Bible is that he is so pathetic in reasoning and clearly needed to read the books of John W. Loftus to get some real ammo in his kit.

Maybe we should write, " The last testament of Christ " where Jesus returns to meet his nemesis; the Rambo antiChrist; John Loftus. Due to the impossibility of getting the original team of Jesus scriptwriters ( them being dead and gone ) we will just have to make do with the latest batch from Bible college.
Luke 4v5 And John Loftus led the Christ(ians) up to a high place and showed them in an instant all the religions & philosophies of the world throughout recorded history. " How is it that elements of these religions & Greek philosophy that preceded Christianity are so similar to ideas in the Bible ? "
But the Christians replied, " Do not put us to your outsider test of faith, we only want to hear what our minister tells us about the Bible, not read it for ourselves. Now let us go back to thinking of work, family & sport "
When John Loftus had finished all this testing he left them until an opportune time