Friday, 25 July 2014

A Parody on " Everything stops for tea " by Jack Buchanan

A parody on the original " Everything stops for tea ":

Every nation in creation has it's favourite drink
France is famous for its wine, its beer in Australia
Ethiopia has its coffee, they serve it blacker than ink
Russians go for vodka
America loves its chocolate

Oh I don't know why Christ Jesus never sailed the ocean blue
But I guess his apologists will say he simply never knew
That there were many people, over there as well
Or he might have sailed with his fishermen, while he calmed the swell

It was a very old Aztec custom associated with Quetzalcoatl so I'm told
To drink Mayan chocolate with a hint of chilli, allspice, honey or vanilla, served cold

You'll remember that the devil took Jesus up to a high place
to show him all the nations but Christ forgot, much to his disgrace
for it he'd told the Jews about America
they might have claimed it as their new promised land
instead they settled for a desert
and their castle turned to sand.


A Parody on the song, " Wide wide as the ocean "

Wide wide as the ocean,
 small as the Galilean Sea
Why Jesus never crossed the Atlantic ocean
Sometimes puzzles me
If he could walk on water
And calm the storms as well
Why did he never sail to the Americas
to save them as well ?

15 hundred years later
Columbus took on the task
but why Jesus never mentioned America
Is what i'd like to ask ?
His fishermen would have done miracles greater, if they'd sailed the ocean blue
How come when Luke 4v6 says the devil showed him all nations, that he never knew ?

Thursday, 24 July 2014


What was Jesus' excuse for not knowing of the continent of America ? Luke 4v5 says the devil tried to help Jesus out by taking him up to a high place to show him all the kingdoms of the world in an instant. Ed Lu at NASA earth observatory website says that 240 miles up in the ISS you can only see a 2000 mile section of Earth at any one moment. Phil Plait of Bad Astronomy reckons you'd need to be 1 million kilometers out in space to see half the Earth's surface at any one moment , ( that is twice the distance to the moon ) - thereby possibly seeing Europe, Africa, N&S America ? Maybe Jesus had his eyes closed in prayer at that moment or maybe because he was scared of heights, or trying to see no evil, or just not paying attention ? If Jesus had known of America he could have instructed his disciples to sail to the nations on the other side of the planet but then he would have to have known the Earth to be a sphere, a fact that he wouldn't have gathered from the Bible. The authors of the gospels weren't able to put ideas into the head of God or Satan that weren't already common knowledge in society, this makes God & Satan look ignorant by today's standards.
On the other hand maybe the devil took Jesus up to 240 miles above Earth and tricked Jesus by saying, " Look below, that is all the nations on Earth " while all along knowing that it was only a fraction of the nations. Thus it came to pass that Jesus didn't know of the Americas. However why didn't God shout down to Jesus while he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane to correct the error. I imagine God might have said, " By the way Son, the devil lied to you when he said that was all the nations so it is just as well that you didn't settle for that deal he offered as you would have been short changed. Also who gave the devil the authority & splendour of the nations, cause I never and what does it even mean to be given the splendour anyway- its nonsense "
But then why does the Bible say that the devil showed Jesus all the nations. when to be true to this idea it would need to say, ' the devil said, " Look there are all the nations " '
Youtube video; " World's First HDTV image of, ' Earth-Rise ' Over The Moon ' on A S N channel suggests 380,000km is far enough away to see getting on for half the Earth in an instant. Maybe if Jesus and Satan were on the moon they would struggle to see the outline of the continents, depends on their vision I guess. Or maybe Jesus was just unlucky & the sun was only lighting half of the half Earth ?

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Jesus the carpenter never built a ship for his sailor disciples to take gospel to Americas

Imagine if Jesus the carpenter had spent his working life building a carrick ship and then on his resurrection had told his sailor fishermen disciples to meet him at Akko/ Acre, Haifa, Israel, on the shores of the Mediterranean & they had sailed together out into the Atlantic with Jesus calming all the storms, turning salt water into wine & finally arriving in the South Americas a week later, spending a further couple of years sailing round the rest of the Americas spreading the gospel before heading off for Australia with the urgent message. Thus giving the impression of: Thy kingdom come double quick.

. Maybe Jesus could have just used the disciples fishing boat to sail the Atlantic ? With Jesus in the boat you can smile at the storm ? Instead we have a Jesus who is content to leave it for another 1500 years until the gospel gets taken to the Americas. He was hardly using his talents to their full extent ?
What we get is a Jesus Son of God who spends his carpenter life supposedly making common tables and chairs which no one even thinks to preserve for posterity after his couple years of fame as a travelling healer & risen Christ. You would think people could have made a fortune with the line," Sit where Jesus sat "
To avoid premature awkward questions & cries of derision about why he was building  a large ocean going ship, Jesus could have spent his life at least planning the ship and gathering the wood to store it ready for his resurrection when he could have overseen the construction and cry, " God speed to the new world ". Bit like a Prince Caspian in " The voyage of the Dawn Treader " story.
It is also odd that in the Book of Mormon, if God had the ability to tell Nephi how to build a ship to cross the Atlantic in 600 BC then why did God not tell Christians in the first century CE how to build another ship to take the urgent message of the gospel to all nations. Maybe because it wasn't urgent ? Or was it because God really does think that a thousand years are like a day, so he thought well another 1500 years will just be a like a day and a half so why go to all that effort of yet another miracle just to save several million Americans from hell when I can just let human history run its course. After all another several million in hell will be neither here nor there when you look at the 97% of all those who ever lived who will be there with them anyway.
Maybe the book of Mormon missed a trick by not having Nephi or God predict what sorts of food plants and animals would be found in the Promised Land of America, before leaving Israel.
The story of Noah's flood is just too vague but how come no attempt to describe animals from America or Australia, would have thought a duck billed platypus could have been described as a cross between a duck and a beaver.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Why didn't Jesus visit the Americas before heading out into the Milky Way ?

If you imagined that Jesus had the ability to fly up in the sky like Acts 1v9 claims then isn't it odd that Jesus never landed in the Americas back in 33AD but instead left if for another 1500 years ish until the Europeans discovered the Americas and brought their Biblical nonsense with them. Jesus could have arranged for the drawing of plenty of Nazca lines showing cross symbols or the usual pictures which show the chosen ones crossing the cross bridge while the rest fry. For that matter why didn't Jesus visit Australia if he wanted his message to reach all nations ( Matt 28v19). He certainly wasn't in any hurry for everyone to know. ReWrit John 3v16. " For God so loved the world that instead of getting Jesus to stop off in the Americas to tell them the gospel of salvation he just left many generations to fry "

ReWrit Matt 24v36 " No-one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. And if there was no global Noah's flood then you can be fairly sure I won't be back either. But in any case if I'm not back in under 2000 years then give up, in that case you can be fairly sure I was mistaken about this and you won't be seeing me again. "

Parody on Rick Found's, " Lord I lift your name on high "

Lord, i'd like to question why
You never went on a world tour
So that everyone would know
How to interpret the way to go.

You came from heaven to Earth to show the way ?
but left the Americas for some other day ?
1500 years to be more exact
Until Europeans handed them a tract
A sense of urgency it seems you lacked !

Jesus there's a question I'd like to ask
why you didn't perform a simple task;
You never flew over to the U.S.A
But left your message for some other day ?

You came from heaven to Earth to show the way ?
maybe you asked for another cup: chocolate
Father said No: Tooth decay ?
If you suffered all that pain, was their really any gain ?
We've got reasons to complain

You came from heaven to Earth to show the way ?
But didn't even know to pray for milky tray
Father put chocolate on another continent
Out of sight out of mind
Christ, wasn't that unkind ?

You flew to heaven from Earth across the milky way ?
But didn't stop off in the Americas for a single day ?
You let them rot for 1500 years, 
now 2000 in the milky way
You should stop and ask the way.

Cariociones Youtube channel

Parody on " 500 miles " by the Pretenders

My Parody of ' 500 miles '  wondering why Jesus never did a world tour:

When I'm incarnate, I know I'm not gonna be
I'm not gonna be the man who takes the gospel to all nations
When I go out, yeah I know I'm not gonna be
I'm not gonna be the man who walks over to you

When I ascend, I know I'm not gonna be
I'm not going to be the man who flies the gospel to America
when I ascend, I know  I'm not gonna be
I'm not gonna be the man who takes the gospel to Australia

Cause I won't walk 6000 miles
And I won't walk 10,000 more
to be the saviour who walks 25,000 miles
to drop my message through your door

Though I could calm the ocean storms
and walk upon the waters blue
I'm not gonna be the Son of God 
who uses his talents to bring the gospel there for you

When I go home, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who leaves without telling you
And though 1500 years pass or 1800 for Australia
Still I'm not gonna even tell my disciples about you

Cause I won't walk 6000 miles
And I won't walk 10,000 more
to be the saviour who walks 25,000 miles
to drop my message through your door

and when you try them, when you try these miracles for yourself
you'll find they dinnae work, you'll find they dinnae work for you
Cause they are fiction, yes the Bible stories are mostly fiction
They are fairy tales made up to deceive you